THE UNCENSORED STORY...

 
LATE 1999

Bass player Nadeem Khan drunkenly suggests forming a stripper-music combo to local guitarist Aaron Jarvis.  Jarvis, having dreamed for years of such an outfit, absently nods in agreement while preparing overtures toward local strumpet.   The plans are immediately filed away next to a thousand other noble pipe dreams.

  
JANUARY 2000

Things get just the slightest bit sticky when Nadeem's wife secures a gig for the band, which at this point has no name, repertoire, or even personnel.  Brian Maguire, drummer in one of Nadeem's two other bands, is tapped for the percussion slot for his agreeable personality.  Jim Ivy, alto saxophonist in both of Nadeem's other bands, is drafted into the combo on the basis of his owning a tenor sax -- untouched for ten years.  Jim's response: "There's no @$@#$!!! way...".  His protests summarily dismissed, Jim is given tapes to study and essentially told to "figure it out".  At this point, Nadeem is bursting with confidence.  Aaron, still preoccupied with local strumpet, absently nods in agreement.   The mortality of the whole mad gambit has yet to hit any of the four.

 
FEBRUARY 2000

The details for the first gig ever-so-slowly filter through to the band, setting the pattern for all future Nadeem Khan bookings.  The show is slated for February 24th at the USF Contemporary Art Museum in Tampa -- the final night of the museum's Ultra Lounge exhibit, complete with dancers and magician for the comprehensive burlesque experience.  The reality slowly sinking in, the still-unnamed band has its first practice three weeks to the day before the show.  Jim, still trying to shake the cobwebs from his tenor sax, maintains his reassuring can-do spirit -- "There's no @$#@^!!! way...".  Brian adds a poignant sense of adventure to the proceedings with his "maybe he'll show up" routine to practices, but his tardiness is more than compensated by his generous cache of beer.  The rehearsals are held at the video store Aaron manages, and the subsequent mornings are spent retrieving empty Budweiser bottles from the Children's section.

As the show looms closer, the grim possibilities slowly unfold.  Promotion is heavy.  Expectations rise.  Grand visions emerge from event promoter/Bay Area huckster Matt Mikas.  Nadeem remains a vision of confidence, Jim adopts a bold new "maybe..." approach, and Aaron concentrates on finding a new job (the strumpets, for once, will have to wait).  Brian maintains an enthusiastic, carefree attitude -- confidence or naivete?, his bandmates wonder.  The sound slowly takes shape, and enough songs are stolen to create an actual full set list.  There's some concern about the dancers -- do they indeed exist?  Can they indeed dance?  Matt Mikas proves himself the equal of the most obese car dealer -- "Oh, we've got GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!!!  It's all in the bag!".  He shows up to tape a practice for these girls' benefit and bolsters the band's confidence by finding fault with everybody's playing. 

One week before the show, Nadeem finally cracks.  "We're screwed!  It's gonna be a disaster!  There's no way we're gonna pull it off!!!".  Aaron feigns confidence to try to hold him together.  Jim remains wary but committed.  Brian remains unfazed -- "It's gonna be great!".  The Tampa press inexplicably touts Aaron's duo The Aaronauts as being the featured band for that night, causing Aaron to have nightmares about playing the gig solo to a hostile throng.  The collective horror at what must be done comes to a head when it is learned that there will be a live webcast of the event, mercilessly exposing every crack, seam, and catastrophe to come.  The band's bourbon consumption hits Mickey Mantle proportions.  After an endless stream of impenetrable submissions by Nadeem "I am my own demographic" Khan, the band decides to call itself the Take-It-Officers for the gig.  A total of four people get the joke. 
 
Thanks to the assistance of renaissance man Larry Sellon, an MC is tapped for the gig:  Canada's A.W. Stencell, in Florida to promote his incredible book GIRL SHOW.  Living out of his van for the tour, Stencell calls Aaron, agrees to do the gig, and apparently vanishes from the face of Florida.  The theoretical "dancers" begin to drop out.  Too late to back out of the gig, the band shambles toward their dark destiny.  Some small reassurance is gleaned from the fact that only Aaron knows anybody from Tampa, so the shame index will be minimized.  Nobody in the band sleeps for the two weeks prior to the show, but they compensate with  near-lethal quantities of beer.  Finally, February 24th arrives...

 

Somehow, Nadeem manages to convince Aaron & Brian to ride with him in his 1960 Chevrolet station wagon.  His constant assurances that the Ol' Girl will make it just fine prove just too tempting to fate, and the car overheats before it can get past Sand Lake Road.  The good news: it's just a hose clamp that Nadeem forgot to tighten.  The bad news: in attempting to remedy the problem, Brian is showered in boiling-hot water and suffers second-degree burns over half his torso.  Not a good omen.  The seared percussionist is treated with two cans of Solarcaine, a wet rag, and a flask of whiskey.  Onward ho!  Miraculously, the three make it the rest of the way without incident, as does Jim.  All seems to be going fine, except for the curious absence of an MC and the girls.  Things look up when Al Stencell magically appears out of nowhere, nervous but ready for action.  Unfortunately, by 9:00 there is neither sign nor word of the dancers.  An enormous crowd has gathered and give every indication of turning ugly should they not get the promised quotient of T&A.  The band begins to eye Anna, Holly, and Lisa from Orlando in a sudden, desperate fit of self-preservation.  Stencell has brought along former carnival strippers Flo De Voe and Jackie Duggan, both retired from the business for thirty years, and they too get the hungry eye.  Thankfully, the girls arrive, having had to consume a half-gallon of rum to muster the courage for the night.  They seem a little bitchy at first, but soon warm considerably to the band when it is discovered that Aaron has a quart of bourbon in his gear box.  At this point, Brian is feeling no pain at all.  This will change come the morning. 
 
Unbelievably, the gig is an unqualified success, despite some wild variations in the quality of the dance routines and a magic act that truly defies polite description.  (Note: the entire event is captured live in its entirety via webcast as promised, and at press time is still accessible on the Net for Windows Media Player users -- click HERE for a peep -- fast forward 1:50 or so to get to the actual performance).   Jim and Brian head back for the bright lights of Orlando, while Nadeem and Aaron join the organizers and dancers for a post-event celebration at the Hub in downtown Tampa.  Nadeem drinks heavily.  Aaron begins to flirt with Shannon, a young Natalie Wood clone and arguably the most stunning of the strippers, and seems well on his way to making a love connection.  Somehow he manages to blow it, a fact mercilessly reminded to him every three minutes by an incredulous Nadeem.  Desolate beyond words, Aaron compensates the next night by plunging headlong into disastrous affair with local strumpet.  The next three months' worth of gigs and practices are tainted by the resulting air of melancholy, all directly traceable to the blown chance with Shannon.  In any event, Aaron takes over the wheel on the drive back to Orlando when it becomes apparent that Nadeem is no longer even awake.  Unable to get the shuddering Chevy below a speed of 80, Aaron is unable to explain their safe return home.  Having survived the incredible month-long ordeal, the quartet decides to carry on...

 

the triumphant return

 

ONWARD TO PART TWO...

 
For more information on the ULTRA LOUNGE exhibit, click here...

For information on A.W. Stencell's book GIRL SHOW, click here...